The Two Companions
by ElvenArcher
Summary: A really funny story that started as a parody of the 1st movie and demanded it's own story line. The Fellowship goes to Mordor to free the Orcs and visit a theme park! **Finally Updated** Review now and get a cameo in the next chapter!
1. Of CarrotLoving Orcs and Cowrogs

The Lord of the Rings

The Two Companions

(Uhagain)

A/N: Review me dammit! I want praise! Praise meeeeeee!

Disclaimer: This isn't mine and Sunny's. Except for Gaygolas, and Elven!Pippin, and Saruman's bad slangs, and McElrond's. Er... I'll just shut up now.

An eerie voice pierced the silence. "GANDALF!!!! PHONE!!!" wailed Frodo. He stumbled into the room and chucked the cordless at Gandalf. Gandalf grumbled at Frodo and put the phone to his pierced ear.

"SUPPER, GANDALF!!!! I WAS JUST MAKING SOME MUFFINS WHEN I THOUGHT I WOULD CALL YOU-" Gandalf winced. Using all of his Istari powers, he concentrated on lowering the volume on the phone. It was bad enough Saruman had neglected to learn to use a phone properly, but he also refused to learn current slang. Like saying supper instead of sup.

"I heard that you and the others had a good band going, and I was wondering if you could play some tuneskies for the Orcs. You see, they're somewhat depressed and I had promised them some funky tunes, yoghurt?"

"Damn it, Saruman! It's Yo, not Yoghurt!!!" Gandalf cursed. There was a long silence.

"So, how's the tubular Hobbits doing? I had heard they have some groovy guitar skills going on, eeya?" Saruman blathered on.

Gandalf decided to end this conversation once and for all. Concentrating the rest of his Istari powers, he blew up the phone. Saruman didn't notice this, and the Orcs found him two hours later still blabbing on to the busy signal.

He cursed. "I meant to blow up Saruman, not the phone!!!" Gandalf gnashed his dentures, dropping the remains of the cordless.

Gandalf stormed into the kitchen, which had been turned into a graveyard for drunken Hobbits. "We need to go NOW!"

"Canf go" slurred Merry. "Jush to drukkkk"

"You'll go, or I'll have to kill you and use your intestines as a skipping rope." Gandalf threatened. "I've needed one of those ever since Saruman broke mine in Istari school" Gandalf babbled, blissfully ignorant that the Hobbits had stole his staff and were trying to make more beer appear with it, but considering that they were drunk, all they succeeded in doing was having Gandalf sprout bunny-ears. Gandalf still ignored this and continued to glare at the household objects; convinced they were plotting his doom.

A scream echoed through the apartment. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECK!!! Eecked Gandalf. A thump sounded from the floor. Gandalf's downstairs neighbours, Lurtz and Ugluk, were clearly upset about the noise.

"QUIET DOWN UP THERE!!!" Ugluk screeched. "YOU YOUNG WIPPER-SNAPPERS GABBLING AROUND UP THERE! IT'S ENOUGH TO WAKE THE CORPSES WE STORE IN OUR CLOSET!!! Oh crap." The last sentence was followed by a severe WHACK! and a loud thump.

"Uhoh, yeah my hair's on fire." Gandalf snapped back to reality as the bright red flame diminished. The fire tried vainly to burn his hair, but alas! it failed. It had reached the area of Gandalf's hair where the grease and dirt outnumbered the strands. Gandalf was left with a small slab of hair. He turned around and narrowed his eyes at Frodo, who was desperately trying to drink some dropped beer out of Hairagorn's food dish. Frodo's eyes widened as he took in the sight of Gandalf and he tried vainly to stop laughing. The dirt that had stopped the fire had also solidified Gandalf's remaining hair and he was left with a slightly lop-sided Mohawk.

"Well, I guess we'll just have to sleep here before we leave." Aragorn suggested. Gandalf sighed. His house was already a wreck. Then he remembered. He only had three beds, and four sleeping bags.

"People are going to have to bunk." Gandalf said. Boromir looked hopeful.

"How many people?" He asked. Gandalf counted on his fingers carefully. Then he counted the people in his house. Then he counted again with his toes.

"There's three beds, and two will go in each. One person's going to have to go without a bed or sleeping bag.

There was a sudden mad-dash for something sleep-able. In the end, Cyan ended up bunking with Legolas, Quilythe with Pippin, and, to Gaygolas's disappointment, Gandalf with Aragorn. The rest of them had managed to snatch a sleeping bag, and in the confusion, Sam, despite being unconscious, was now lying peacefully in one. Gimli stood alone, clutching his teddy bear, and whimpering.

"Where am I going to sleep?" He pouted. Gandalf mumbled from where he had curled around Aragorn, who was looking quite uncomfortable.

"I think there's a spare drawer in the dresser." He said, pointing at the wooden dresser. Gimli approached it cautiously, not wanting to open anything containing Gandalf's underwear. Gimli opened the middle drawer, springing away and covering his eyes. Peeking through his fingers, he saw that the drawer was empty. He clambered in; arms wrapped around Snuggles the teddy bear.

"Can I have a blanky?" He whimpered pitifully.

"No." Gandalf muttered against Aragorn, who at the moment was thrashing about, trying to escape the clutches of Gandalf.

The next morning the Fellowship awoke well rested, except for Aragorn who had wasted all night trying to escape Gandalf's wandering hands. Apparently, Gandalf sleep-gropes, and Aragorn had spent his night battling back this discovery.

Not being one to waste time, Aragorn had gotten up early to make breakfast for everyone and to escape Gandalf. He made family favourites: Bacon n' hair, eggs hairy-side up, and fuzzy English muffins.

Despite the tantalizing (or so Aragorn thought) breakfast in front of them, the Fellowship decided unanimously to head over to McElrond's for some burgs.

Once they got there, they were served by an elf in a black wig.

"Hi, welcome to McElrond's. I'm Elrond, and I'll be serving you today. What would you like to order? I recommend the McElrond burger special. It's burger-licious." The elf droned on.

"Hey, you're not Elrond! Aren't you Glorfindal?" Legolas demanded, sticking his head out of the sunroof of Aragorn's SUV. Like everything else he owned, it had been butched up to the point of being ridiculous. Some of the more drastic changes included giant spikes on the wheels and a bronzed Orc-head on a spear mounted on the trunk,.

"Yes" sobbed the elf, taking two of their hamburgers in his hands. "After Arwen took my job of saving Frodo, it all went downhill. Now I can't even be Glorfindal anymore. I have to be a McElrond." Tears started to drench their order and the real Elrond suddenly stormed in.

"Are you crying on the burgers again? ARGH! That's the fifth time today! You're fired!!!" Elrond bellowed.

At the sound of Elrond's voice, Gandalf had to be restrained from leaping out the window and onto Elrond. Glorfindal burst into more tears.

"This is so unfair!!! First Glorfindal, then Elrond! Who will I be next?" Glorfindal's eyes lit up as he spotted a pitcher of grease close at hand. "I know, I'll be Aragorn!" He said, pouring the grease onto his hair. Unfortunately, being an elf, and therefore repelling dirt, the grease bounced off of his head and was immediately attracted to Aragorn.

"GO GO GO!!!" Legolas screamed at Boromir, who was rolling up the window, as the grease desperately tried to get back to Aragorn by attaching itself to the window.

"I love you, don't forget me!" sniffled Aragorn as the grease was flung off of the window. After they finally ate, they headed off to Isengard, where the Hobbit band Liquid Death would perform for the first time.

They soon got there, since Lothlorien wasn't too far. The door of Orthanc creaked open menacingly as the Fellowship stepped in warily. They entered a room where they suspected Saruman would be lurking.

A black spiky spin-y chair stood at the far end of the dark room. It began to spin around slowly, but the motion became too much for the chair and it whipped out of control. Saruman suddenly flew from the chair's grasp and he screamed across the room. Landing in a heap at Gandalf's feet, he stood up and smiled. Putting his arm around Gandalf's shoulders, he smirked.

"Supper, housy D?" He said. The whole Fellowship looked at each other, wondering what the heck he had just said. Saruman's expression suddenly turned serious. "You can play, can't you? You do have all the people you need, right?"

Gandalf looked at Frodo, who was responsible for the band. "Uhwell we have Pippin and Merry on guitar, Sam on keyboard, and I'm doing the drums. But we need somebody to sing the harder rock songs."

Saruman looked uneasy. "Well, you can set up auditions. The second hall is free. I'll put up posters if you want."

Quilythe nodded and her and Cyan went to set up as judges. Gandalf suddenly ran over.

"Wait! You need more than two judges!" Gandalf yelled. Cyan looked around.

"Well, okay. Do you want to?" She asked, but Gandalf had fallen asleep on the spot, snoring softly to himself. His hands were crawling towards Aragorn, who quickly, remembering the night before, quickly stomped on Gandalf's fingers.

"Anybody want to judge with us?" Cyan offered. Gaygolas started jump up and down.

"Ooh! Ooh! Me! Pick me!! Ooh!" He said, waving his hands around wildly. To Cyan's horror, Gaygolas was the only one not doing anything. They reluctantly asked Gaygolas to come along, and he bounced and chirped happily the entire time.

"Oh, this is going to be sooo much fun!! We can have a sleepover and have pillow-fights and then we can do each others nails and hair and everything!" He squealed, hugging both the girls. Ignoring Gaygolas they quickly set up a table, and ushered the first contestant in.

The Orc looked nervous and shuffled his feet as he spoke. "Hi, I'm Garbok and I'm going to sing Can't Get You Out of my Head." With that he took a deep breath and began to sing. "Lalalalalalalalalaaa boyIcan'tgetyououtofmyhead-"

"Stop! Stop! That's enough! We've heard enough!" Quilythe yelled. Some crying over in the corner broke the silence. Apparently, it was Gandalf who was crying.

"It (sob) was so beautiful! I was (sob) moved." He sobbed into a Kleenex.

"Oh, that's only because you're a deaf old coot!" snapped Quilythe, leaping out of her chair. "That's it! All Orcs, leave!"

There was much moaning and cursing, and they were left with three more contestants: Saruman, Boromir and Aragorn.

"NEXT!! This better be worthwhile!" Cyan Bellowed. Saruman suddenly sidled in.

"Um, hi. I'm going to sing Amazing Grace. When I was a child, it changed my life, and helped me along the way to become the evil wizard I am today!" Saruman paused. He spread his hands and began to sing. "AAAAAAAAAAAma-zing graaaaaaaaaace! Howwwww sweeeeeet theeee soooooouuuund-" He was cut off by all three elves clutching their ears and moaning about the screeching of the devil.

"NEXT!!!" bellowed Cyan. Boromir walked in, taking Saruman's place. Gaygolas immediately lightened up.

"Um, I'm going to sing Avril Lavigne, I'm With You." Boromir mumbled. Gaygolas started to clap and holler, and was only stopped by Quilythe and Cyan giving him the look o' death™ at the same time.

"I'm standing on the bridge. I'm waiting in the dark. I thought that you'd be hereby now. There's nothing but the rain. No footsteps on the ground. I'm listening but there'sno sound. Isn't anyone trying to find me? Don don don. Won't somebody come take me home? Don don don. It's A DAMN COLD NIGHT!! TRYING TO-"

"NOOOOO! STOP! SPARE US THE HORROR!!!" Quilythe screeched. Gaygolas glared at her.

"Well, I thought it was good." he lisped, still throwing roses at his sweetheart.

"Two against one. He's gone. NEXT!!!" Bellowed Cyan. Aragorn shuffled into the room.

"Well, I'm not any good or anything, and you might not like it, but I'm going to sing Higher by Creed, okay?" He looked at them questioningly, and when Cyan nodded, he began to sing.

"Can you take me higher? To a place where blind men see! Can you take me higher? To a place with golden streets!" Aragorn glanced up at the judges. Both girls were staring at him, mouths wide open. Gaygolas was trying to make eyes with him, which unsettled Aragorn.

"Well, what do you think?" He asked nervously.

"Damn" gasped Quilythe. "Just"

"I agree." Cyan said. "You're now officially Liquid Death's new lead singer." A wail from outside told them that Boromir was listening at the door. Gaygolas glared at the others.

"Now look what you've done! My Bori's gone and got all upset!" He ran out of the room to comfort him.

Quilythe threw his hands up in the air. "Fine!" she called to them. "Boromir can be the back singer!" She turned to Cyan. "He can't be that bad when singing normal songs, right?"

"Let's hope so." Cyan sighed.

A few hours later and the stage was all set up outside Orthanc. However, backstage Liquid Death was having a crisis: a shirt crisis. The three Hobbits were wearing long black shirts with a white skull and the words "Liquid Death" printed on them. Pippin and the two she-elves were wearing the same shirts, except they were considerably smaller, showing a strip of skin where the shirt didn't quite meet their cargo pants. However, both Boromir and Aragorn were holding up shirts that were considerably different. They were blue with a yellow happy-face on the front and the words "Have a Nice Day" crossed out with black marker and the words "LyquIb DetH" scrawled underneath.

"It's all we could find!" Pippin protested. "The tailor that made them only had the black shirts in one size. And you and Boromir wouldn't have been able to fit into the Hobbit's shirts like we elves can." Pippin looked proud for a moment. "The blue shirts were the closest thing I could find. Anyways, I wrote Liquid Death on it, didn't I?"

Aragorn stared at the scribbles on the shirt. "Kinda."

"Oh, for Eru's sake! Just put them on!" Cyan rolled her eyes, storming over to where they could watch the warm-up band play. They had no idea who the warm-up band was, since it had been kept a secret until now.

Gimli stepped out onto the stage, wearing baggy jeans and a yellow shirt. He carried a mike with him. Legolas walked out behind him, in the same outfit, but in brown and green. He slipped behind the turntables and grinned at the crowd of Orcs.

Gimli took a breath and began as the music blared through the air. "Yo, I'm Gimli and I'm here to say. I'll knock you down if you're in my way!" The crowd began wildly head-banging. Even the elves joined in.

Gimli continued to rap. "Take it, Leggy!" Legolas began to head-bang as he scratched the disks. He suddenly leaped out from behind the turntables and began to break-dance as Gimli rapped.

Suddenly, Legolas got up and snatched a bow from the side of the stage. Reaching above his head, he smashed it onto the stage a couple of times and then tossed it into the crowd, who had started a mosh-pit in front of the stage. Cyan turned to Quilythe.

"Wow, I didn't think anything would make Legolas give up his bow!" She said over the music still a-blaring. Aragorn looked at her and reached behind his back. His eyes widened and he began to bellow with rage.

"THAT'S NOT HIS BOW! THAT'S MY BOW!!! DAMN YOU, LEGOLAS!!!" Aragorn protested, trying to storm onto the stage, but was stopped in mid-storm by all of the elves tackling him to the ground. Aragorn forgot all of his troubles with Legolas as he desperately tried to peel Gaygolas off of him. Apparently Gaygolas had taken him for Boromir and was trying to unspeakable things to his body.

"LIQUID DEATH! WE'RE ON!" Frodo bellowed, stomping onto the stage and throwing Legolas and Gimli off. The people took their places behind their instruments and Sam slapped awake and stood behind his keyboard.

"Alright, Orcs! Are you ready for Liquid Death?" Apparently, Elrond had appointed himself the MC. "The first song they're going to play is by Vanessa Carlton. It's called 1000 miles, and the singers are going to be Quilythe and Cyan from Lothlorien! It's one of my favourites and I hope you like it too!" With that, Elrond leaped off of the stage into the mosh-pit.


	2. Of Elfy Ears and Hairagorn Attacks

The Lord of the Rings

The Two Companions

(Uhagain)

It was a beautiful day in Lothlorien, and everybody was having hunky-dory time. Until

"AUGH! MY GOBLET IS HAIRY!!!!" Screeched Gandalf, holding up what looked to be a small and extremely hairy rodent-like creature. Immediately, every head in Lothlorien turned to look at Aragorn (who, at the moment, was brushing his chest hair), creating a breeze that could have blown out even the Cowrog's fire. Sam was picked up by this wind and smashed into a tree, where he laid unconscious and poked by Merry again.

"What? I'm not that hairy." Aragorn said, picking up his brush and proceeding to clean it, leaving a pile of curly hair to rival even the height of Gandalf. Everyone looked at him in disgust, and backed away from him slowly.

Gandalf shook his head. "Oh, yeah, umI brought you here because, we have to you knowOrc. Anyways, I'm off to shoot some pool with Saruman at the All-Istari games night. I hope Radagast is there, he's absolutely horrid at poker. Last time I won the entire city of Gondor!" Aragorn looked slightly pissed.

"Wait a minute!" He said, advancing towards Gandalf.

"Um, gotta go! Bye!" Gandalf dived for the door, just missing a brutal stabbing. Cyan and Quilythe exchanged looks, and went back to making out with their husbands. Suddenly, Gaygolas promenaded into the room.

"Well, hello there." Gaygolas grinned at Aragorn. Legolas suddenly walked up and grabbed Gaygolas, whipping him around.

"That's the ninth time today you've mistaken Aragorn for Boromir! I mean, can't you tell the difference yet? Aragorn is a hell of a lot more hairier!" Legolas explained. Aragorn puts his hands on his hips and looked annoyed.

"I AM NOT HAIRY!!" Aragorn bellowed. Legolas shooed him away. Suddenly, the spirit of Arwen floated into the room.

"Yes, you are, Aragorn, yes you are." She said spookily. Aragorn ran and hid behind Frodo. As Gandalf stormed into the room, the spirit of Arwen disappeared. He thundered over to huge box.

"#$@$%^^&**$#@#$! SARUMAN STOLE MY HAT!!" He cursed, throwing his staff to the side and "accidentally" hitting Frodo and Merry, who, to everyone's disgust, were holding hands. He whipped open the box, which was filled with identical hats, grabbed a particularly nice one, and rammed it on his head. "Well, now that I'm here, why don't we leave."

Everyone got up and followed Gandalf, except for Pippin, who was cramming as much food as he could into his mouth and pockets. He got up and capsized, the table, freaking out.

"AAAAH! THE TABLE IS BEING HAUNTED BY ARWEN!" He ran around in circles, holding his head, then threw himself onto the ground, and covered his head.

Frodo looked up from where he was staring into Merry's eyes. "Pippinyeah."

Pippin looked up at Frodo and blushed. "Oh, yeah. I knew that." He got up smartly and followed the rest of the group, casting suspicious glances back at the table, as if it were going to leap onto him and rip out his heart at any moment.

The group headed out of the Lothlorien Cafetorium, Aragorn dragging Sam by his hair. They all gathered in Gandalf's apartment, where they could talk in peace.

"What is our mission? What shall we do now?" asked Boromir.

"A strange thing has come over the Orcs. They have becomepleasant." Gandalf said solemnly.

"It is what I have feared the most." muttered Gimli.

"Yes, we have all feared it. But, one of them has grown eviler and larger than any other. His name is Darcy. He has enslaved all the Orcs of Mordor, and is torturing them. Our mission, if you choose to accept it, which you have no choice but to, is to travel with me to Mordor to kill Darcy and free the Orcs." Gandalf said.

"Again?" whined Gaygolas. "Last time I broke, like, three nails. And not to mention that foul stench of Mordor does horrible things to my complexion." All members of Fellowship (except Boromir) exchanged desperate glances, each hoping that Gaygolas wouldn't come.

"We feel your pain, Gaygolas." Boromir said softly, stroking his hair. A single tear fell onto Gaygolas's pink robes. The Fellowship rolled their eyes.

"Then it's settled," said Gandalf. "We will be the Fellowship of theoh, crap. Uh, the uh, fluffy bunny weasel." The Fellowship scooted away from him.

"Where is Elrond when you need him?" Aragorn complained.

Elrond suddenly walked in, looking extremely surprised.

"What's the matter, Rondy?" Gaygolas lisped.

"My mom just died!" Elrond wept, still looking surprised, but now glaring at Gaygolas.

"I thought she was already dead." Pippin pointed out.

"My other mom, you silly goose!" Elrond wheezed. Pippin looked hurt, while the rest of the Fellowship tried to stop snickering.

"So, why are you here?" Merry asked cautiously.

"I heard that you needed me and my poetic skills." Elrond said proudly.

Aragorn leaned over to Frodo. "Elrond is about as poetic as a dead slug. I heard he got his phrases off the Internet." Frodo nodded and looked in the corner, where Elrond was frantically downloading something off of his latest laptop.

"I HEARD that." Elrond flung the laptop out the window and ran over to Aragorn. "Elfy ears!" He said child like, shoving his ears in Aragorn's face. Aragorn pushed him away.

"That's uh, very nice, there, Elrond. You keep those ears to yourself." Aragorn said uneasily.

"That's what my pre-school teacher used to tell me." Elrond said dreamily, as the air began to shimmer.

"NO!" Gandalf slow motion leaped onto Elrond, full-body tackling him to the ground. "NO FLASHBACKS!!!" He bellowed.

The air shimmered, then went out. Then shimmered again, then went out as Gandalf and Elrond grappled on the floor. Gandalf finally succeeded in getting up, pinning Elrond to the ground with his foot.

"SOMEONE THROW ME MY DAMN STAFF!" He demanded. His staff flew out of no where, and he caught it with great skill. He lifted it up high, and sighed sadly. "I can't do this."

"Pretend it's a hobbit!" A voice sailed through the air behind him.

"Go away, Arwen. You're scaring Pippin." Gandalf said. Pippin was sitting in another corner, rocking back and forth with his hands at his head.

"Ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real. Ghosts aren't real" He kept saying.

"Uh, Pretend he's a hobbit?" Arwen questioned. "Elrond!"

"What? Elrond?" Gandalf looked around so fast that his beard attacked his face. "I CANNOT SEE!!!"

Elrond took this chance to grab Gandalf's leg and toss him to the ground. Gandalf finally succeeded in wrestling his beard back. Then, he had no choice but to whack Elrond round the head, who fell back unconscious, still looking surprised.

"You poopie head!" Boromir chanted. "We were about to get a name out of him, and you just had to beat him up!"

"Excuse me!" Gandalf said, still working some stray hairs from his beard back into place. "YOU don't like my name?"

"Not really. It's to harsh for my masculine ears." Boromir said.

"Well, I am Gandalf the White, the one who has recently stolen bleach from Saruman, and I say Fluffy Bunny Weasel is good!"

"Well I don't." Boromir argued, putting his hands on his hips and sticking out his tongue.

"Well I do. And if you don't put that bad excuse for a tongue inside, I'll turn it into a slug thing." Gandalf said stepping forwards. The two started to argue endlessly.

"Uh, guys?" Gimli asked.

"WHAT!" They both screeched.

"Aren't we supposed be leaving soon?" Gimli pointed at the door, where Elrond was desperately crawling towards. He looked at Gimli, then quickly at Gandalf, then flopped onto the floor, feigning unconsciousness.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!" Gandalf yelled, leaping over to the doorway, and blocking it from Elrond.

"Gandalf, you already used that line." Frodo pointed out.

"I know that, you fool of aBaggins!" Gandalf said. "But it's my only line that doesn't make me sound like Gaygolas."

Gaygolas looked up from idly filing his nails and wondered if he should be insulted. "Was I just insulted?" He whispered to the unconscious Sam. He poked Sam's cheek, and suddenly his eyes were filled with grape juice. Pippin was hiding behind Gaygolas's chair, a dreaded grape juice container in his grasp, sinisterly squirting grape juice into Gaygolas's eyes.

"MY GREEN AND SORT OF BROWN EYES!!!" Gaygolas huffed, leaping from his chair and running into Gandalf's "Bathroom."

"Pippin! Contain your Grape juice!" Legolas said, grabbing Pippin.

Boromir ran over to the "Bathroom" door and hollered through the wood. "Don't worry, Gaygolas. I'll make it better."

Gandalf looked up. "Boromir." He said slowly. "Why are you talking to my staff closet?"

Gaygolas suddenly stepped out, making Boromir fall over. Purple grape juice stains surrounded his eyes.

"Now you really look like a girl!" Cyan yelled.

Gaygolas's eyes widened. "Oh-No! This colour of purple doesn't match my robes!" Gaygolas suddenly ripped of his robes, revealing another set underneath, identical in all ways except for the colour.

Gandalf suddenly stormed over. "What are you doing in my staff closet?!" He stepped in, snuffing around much like he used to do when they were in great trouble. "IT SMELLS LIKE-" he took another snuff. "-ARAGORN AFTER TEN DAYS OF WALKING AROUND WITHOUT A BATH!"

Aragorn's eyes widened at the mention of baths, and he dived under the table, whimpering.

Quilythe rolled her eyes and lured him back out using his favourite brush. "Here, Hairagorn! Here, boy!" She cooed softly. "Who's a good little Ranger? Come on, Hairagorn. Come on, boy! Come on!"

Aragorn finally emerged from the murky depths of the table's shadows. "That's my good Ranger! Yes, you are! You are!" Aragorn suddenly rubbed his head on Quilythe's leg. She backed away. "That's enough, boy."

Aragorn ignored her and started to make a noise, disturbingly close to a purr. Quilythe grabbed the nearest object, which happened to be a newspaper.

"BAD HAIRAGORN!" Quilythe said, whacking him brutally with the paper.

"I WAS reading that!" exclaimed Legolas. He leaped and grabbed it, and tumbled around gracefully. Aragorn stood up just as Pippin was walking by, and Quilythe had to grab his collar to stop him from leaping on the elf. He snarled and drooled dangerously.

Pippin looked nervously at Aragorn. "Uh, I don't think he likes me."

"Nonsense! He loves everybody! Don't you, Hairagorn?"

Aragorn looked up at Quilythe lovingly and then growled at Pippin, teeth snapping. "See? It's just his way of expressing his love."

"We must go." Gandalf said dramatically, his hair blowing backwards. Suddenly, his beard attacked him again. "MFFMFG! SOMEONE TURN OFF THAT MFFMMFFMGG DAMN THING!!"

Legolas tensed. Quilythe looked. "SICK IT, HAIRAGORN!"

Aragorn leaped up, and ran on all fours, tackling the fan down. The fan was sadly destroyed. Many mourned, and many beat Aragorn.

Gimli looked up. "Gandalf, we must eat to keep our strength up if we are to defeat the Orc-lord Darcy."

Gandalf nodded and picked up the phone. He mumbled something to the receiver, and then hung up. "It will take half an hour."

For the whole half an hour, many delivery boys came and went, each leaving something different, until a crowd of them stood at the door, holding their various food items.

Suddenly, loud footsteps were heard. The boys fled. Legolas tensed again.

"Gandalf." He said. "What is this new delivery?"

"It" Gandalf said deeply. "is pizza."

The pizza boy dropped the pizza on a counter, then demanded money.

"YOU SHALL NOT BE PAID!!!" Gandalf bellowed as the pizza boy fled. Gandalf happily opened the box, only to find his worst fears confirmed. "Oh-no." He whispered.

"What is it?" Aragorn said.

"They put mushrooms on it." He said as quietly as possible.

The three hobbits (and ex-hobbit Pippin) looked up in unison; Sam waking up from his stupor upon hearing the word mushrooms. Gandalf pushed Aragorn out of the way as four flying bodies headed towards the pizza. Gandalf was knocked over, and Sam, despite his chubbiness, proved to be the quickest of all, snatching the pizza, only to be knocked unconscious when he hit the floor. The two hobbits and one elf each snarfed down as much pizza as they could shove down their throats. Sam woke to an empty pizza box and began to mourn the fallen mushrooms.

Gandalf grumbled and snuck into another room, where the rest of the Fellowship was stuffing their faces with other food assortments.

"What is there left for me?" Gandalf asked.

"Uh, how about some tofu salad?" said Cyan, who was busily using chopsticks to down some noodles.

"Thanks a lot. Just to inform you that I PAID FOR THIS CRAP!" Gandalf hollered, motioning to the left over boxes that once contained food.

"Actually. You just paid five bucks. We just ordered this stuff." Quilythe chimed in.

"Shut up." Gandalf said within his bushy beard. He turned around and noticed Elrond in the corner, eating his lard. Gandalf eyed him evilly, then did a triple-lutz and leaped towards Elrond. Elrond stepped aside gracefully, as Gandalf not-to-gracefully slammed into the floor, knocking himself out. Elrond looked surprised (duh) and his eyebrows rose to meet his hairline in a joyous dance of surprise and hair. 

The others eyed this metaphor suspiciously and Sam waved a chicken bone threateningly. Elrond ran out the room, screaming like Arwen did when she found out she had broken a nail, since he had deep-seated fear of chicken and all of its components.

"Well, maybe we should leave now." Boromir suggested, accidentally splattering the coleslaw all over with his over-expressive gestures. He looked around, seeing that everybody was green. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! You're all DISEASED!"

"No. It's just coleslaw, you silly thing." Gaygolas said, attempting to look annoyed but actually only looking more gay (and slightly cross-eyed).

"We'll all get cleaned up and then leave. Someone's going to have to clean Gandalf off." Cyan said, wrinkling her nose at the thought of touching Gandalf, since he hadn't bathed since the first age.

"Hairagorn!" Quilythe whistled. Aragorn suddenly flopped onto all fours, ignoring the fact that Boromir had to dramatically leap out of the way to avoid being speared by Anduril.

"Go clean off Gandalf, boy! Go, Hairagorn!" Quilythe said, pointing at the grumbling gray and oozy green wizard. Aragorn loped over, and started to lick all of the green stuff off, stirring up clouds of dust. There was much falling and yelling, as nobody could see.

Pippin sauntered into the room, tripping over a fallen Gimli. "SOMEBODY HASN'T BEEN DUSTING GANDALF!!!" Cyan bellowed through the thick-as-pea-soup dust. "I'M NOT NAMING ANY NAMES, PIPPIN!!!"

After about a half an hour, the dust finally found Gandalf again and settled around in an eerie cloud of gray. Gandalf's robes were finally white again.

"We must get ready to leave." Cyan said dramatically. She turned to Pippin. "Pippin, you have been granted the greatest task of all." Pippin looked hopeful. "You must dustbust Gandalf. Here is your weapon." Cyan handed over what looked to be a plain white dustbuster, but looks can be deceiving. This dustbuster had been fashioned in Mount Doom and had been given to Sauron from his mother in hopes the he would finally clean his room. It was the Dustbuster of Doom™. Able to commit evil Acts of Doom© and restore even the dirtiest carpet to it's original state.

Pippin grumbled. It always seemed to be his turn to dust bust Gandalf. He walked into the room only to find Gandalf in all of his glory, staff raised, sword drawn, and beer at his side. Gandalf backed up, creating an eerie circle of light around him.

"I am a servant of the secret fire! Wielder of the Flame of Unoo, your dark busting action shall not prevail you! You shall not pass!" Gandalf bellowed. Pippin rolled his eyes.

"Do I have to go through this every time?" Pippin mumbled to himself. Picking up a bottle of beer from the floor, he waved it in front of Gandalf. "Look, Gandalf! Beer!"

"Beer! Beer beer beer beer" Gandalf muttered repeatedly as he cradled his beer bottle, sipping it delicately. "Beer beer beer beer beer"

Pippin sighed as he dustbusted Gandalf with the Dustbuster of Doom™. "Stupid alcoholic Gandalf." Pippin said as he tossed the dustbuster to the side and stormed off. "I need a drink, or multiple drinks." He said as he slammed the door.

Gandalf was suddenly aware that he was not alone in the room. Faint drumbeats echoed through the air as he turned around to spot-

Gandalf's thoughts were interrupted by a hair-raising scream. "GOD DAMN IT, FRODO! I TOLD YOU TO STOP PLAYING THOSE STUPID DRUMS IN THE HOUSE!!! YOU ALMOST MADE GAYGOLAS MESS UP ONE OF HIS NAILS!!!!! DIDN'T YOU, SHNOOKUMS? YES, I LOVE YOU, TOO!!!" Boromir yelled. Gandalf winced. Apparently, Boromir was stuck on loud. He shuddered as he remembered the last time this had happened. It was in Lothlorien when Boromir was sharing a tree house with Gaygolas for the first night. There'd been many terrifying sounds in the air, and Merry claimed he still had nightmares about it.

Gandalf was brought back to earth by a low growling noise. He looked to see the dustbuster hiding under the couch. Gandalf walked over and cautiously poked it. This probably wasn't the best idea, since dustbusters are easily agitated and the Dustbuster of Doom™ was no exception.

With a mighty VROOOM the Dustbuster of Doom™ leaped from it's hiding place and firmly attached itself to Gandalf's mighty beard. Gandalf screeched girlishly and began to whack the dustbuster with his staff.

Outside, Aragorn pondered the noise and opened the door, finding Gandalf huddling in a corner, whimpering. Many strands of beard hair littered the floor. Aragorn, of course, assumed Gandalf had overdosed on pipe-weed again.

"Aragorn, don't leave me alone with it! You haven't seen the terrible things it can do!" Gandalf sobbed, reaching out to him.

Aragorn backed away repulsed by the thought of being near Gandalf. "Remember what we talked about, Gandalf. The hallucinations aren't real, and aliens aren't trying to read your mind."

Aragorn walked out, shutting the door. Gandalf wailed and crawled to the door, pounding on it. "You can open the door!" a voice yelled. Gandalf reached for the doorknob, but a sudden Rrrrrr made Gandalf leap a few yards back.

Gandalf screamed endlessly as the Dustbuster of Doom™ chased him around the room. Just when he thought he was about to reach the doorway, the Dustbuster of Doom sneaked it's cord around Gandalf's foot, causing him to fall with a deafening WHUMF! The Dustbuster of Doom™ leaped onto Gandalf's back, ready to perform Acts of Doom©.

Just then, the doorknob clicked. It swung open, revealing a shadowed figure. It held out a hand to Gandalf and spoke in a booming voice.

"I fugush the dushbusher." He said with slurred words. The figure turned out to be Pippin in all of his glory. Unfortunately, Pippin was also very drunk, judging by the facts that he had no shirt and the words Orcz ruLe' were painted across his bare chest in what appeared to be chocolate syrup.

Pippin walked over to Gandalf, stumbling five different times before picking up the Dustbuster of Doom™, to Gandalf's great relief. As he walked away, he crooned things like "Youz my beshtest friends in the worlth." to the Dustbuster of Doom™.

To Gandalf's greatest horror, the Dustbuster of Doom™ glared over Pippin's shoulder and emitted a hair-raising growl as they passed into the other room.

Gandalf shivered as he felt a shiver race down his spine. Something was wrong. He could feel it. An evil presence was approaching


	3. Of Hobbit Bands and MessedUp Slang

The Lord of the Rings

The Two Companions 

By Sunny and ElvenArcher 

Disclaimer: The only thing I own here is Gaygolas. *Gaygolas waves* All the rest belongs to the great Tolkien.

A/N: This was inspired by making jokes while me and a friend watched LotR. It was turned into a parody that soon demanded it's own storyline. So we wrote it.This chapter is just the parody part. Also 'Sunny' is my friend's nickname (she's not registered on FF.net)

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Legolas screamed for no apparent reason. Everyone just ignored him. "Excuse me! I'm screaming here! Aaaaaaaaaaaah." Legolas repeated. This time, they turned and looked at him. "I dropped Gimli off the cliff." 

Cyan peered over the edge. "It looks like he's been pushed." She commented. 

"Oh well." Quilythe said. "Poor Gimli." 

"I'm right HERE!" said an annoyed voice. Cyan looked over the edge again. Gimli was hanging off a tree root that was protruding out of the side. 

"Oh." said Legolas. "My mistake." 

"Oh. I see you're sooooo happy to see I'm alive," said a sarcastic Gimli. A few minutes later and he was standing back up on solid ground. 

Legolas rolled his eyes. "Darn." He said under his breath. "Almost had him this time." 

"Alright, everyone! Suit up!" Aragorn bellowed, storming through the group and throwing swords at people. Sam just sat there as his sword came hurtling down upon him. It hit him hard in the head and he toppled over, unconscious. 

"Alright, people! Get moving! And someone grab Sam!" Aragorn bellowed yet again, pointing at Sam, who, at the moment, was drooling on himself. Merry suddenly leapt up, snatched a stick, and started to poke Sam with it ferociously. Pippin stared off into space, still not quite sure where he was. Cyan rolled her eyes, and her and Quilythe grabbed Sam, dragging him over some rocks. They made a seat with their hands, and propped Sam up on it, letting him smack his head on a nearby branch.

Gandalf had finally opened the door to Moria, and to his luck, because he was getting quite sick of the hobbits jumping up and down behind him, yelling, "Hey, Mr. All Powerful Wizard! Guess you can't do some things, eh?!"

Suddenly, a giant monster rose out from the lake, and Gandalf's first thought was, "Maybe it will eat the hobbits!" He grinned at this idea and pushed Frodo into the monster's grasp. Frodo yelped as it grabbed him, but to Gandalf's great disappointment, Boromir rescued him. He cursed this, and tried to push another hobbit forwards, but they were all out of reach. 

They all ran inside Moria, stopping when they reached a huge tomb.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!" wailed Gimli. "He's DEAD!"

Gandalf walked in, and picked up a book. Reading the contents, he learned that the dwarves had been slaughtered. Pippin walked over to the well, and started poking the skeleton on top of it, despite Gandalf's warning. Soon, due to his incessant poking, the skeleton clattered down the well. Gandalf turned and glared at him. 

"Fool of a Took! Do us all a favour and throw yourself in next time!" Gandalf sighed. "Don't I wish." He muttered to himself. Suddenly, the air was filled with drumbeats. 

"Orcs!" whispered Legolas urgently. Quilythe and Cyan dumped the still unconscious Sam on the ground, where he finally woke up. Soon, the door was being torn apart by a rampaging army of Orcs. The moment they had burst into the tomb, Legolas pulled out his elf-knives. 

But instead, he pulled out two shiny carrots. "Carrots? Carrots!? CARROTS!! WHO PUT CARROTS IN MY SHEATHES?!" Legolas screamed. Gimli hid behind a pillar, sniggering furiously. "Stupid carrots." Legolas cursed, flinging them in the middle of the battle. Unbeknownst to him, Orcs have a mad passion for carrots, one of the horrible weaknesses that Sauron overlooked. 

And in mid-fling, the Orcs turned as one and leaped for the crunchy vegetable. "CARROTS!!!!!!" They bellowed, and before the Fellowship's eyes, their fight for freedom turned into a fight for carrots. 

"Quick! While there's still time!" Said Boromir, pushing everybody out as the Orcs stampeded each other, each wanting the delicious treat that had now been turned into orange mush. Legolas rushed after Boromir, and as Boromir tilted on a collapsed staircase, Legolas gave him a little push. 

"We don't really need a Boromir." He thought while smiling at the screaming figure. Suddenly an arrow whooshed by his head, and stuck itself in the back of Boromir's helmet. Legolas watched as the rope tied to the arrow pulled Boromir up and he saw Gandalf tugging at it. Legolas frowned. "Can't I kill anybody on this trip?" He glared, running up another staircase.

Suddenly, a huge army of Orcs appeared all around them. 

"RAUGHA RAUGHA RAUGHA!!!!" Gimli screeched manly like, thinking that he could scare them off. They just looked at him strangely, wondering if he had some sort of disorder, and decided avoid eating him.

Suddenly, all of the Orcs ran away. Gimli laughed, thinking that he had scared them off. 

"AIEEE! AIEEE! A COWROG HAS COME!" Legolas wailed.

"Hmm." thought Boromir. "I wonder if he's gay. Because if he is, I'm interested." Boromir moved closer to Legolas. "I'll protect you." He whispered to him.

"AIEEE! AIEEE! BOROMIR IS COMING ON TO ME!" Legolas wailed again. Cyan gave Boromir a dirty look. 

"He's mine." She thought possessively. Legolas smiled at her and slapped Boromir across the face. Gandalf grabbed them and shoved them out of the way as a big milky thing came charging towards them, just missing Quilythe and Frodo, who were making out in the corner. Gandalf ran over and poked them with his staff. 

"GET UP!" He hurled Frodo over into Boromir's arms. Boromir winked at him. 

"So, how are you?" Boromir whispered to him. Frodo stuffed his hand in Boromir's face and leapt out of his arms. Quilythe was also flung at Boromir, but instead of landing in his arms, she used him as a landing pad.

Gandalf was the last in the line to go down the staircase, and he noticed that Merry was walking in front of him. He brutally shoved him forwards off the staircase, and Merry screamed until he realized he was standing on the other part of the staircase. Gandalf laughed horribly until he saw Merry walking down the staircase a little further in front of him. 

"Stupid hobbits." He rumbled from under his bushy beard. Then the Cowrog came after them, its moos echoing down the chamber. Then Gandalf was killed. (Supposedly)

Soon they arrived in Lothlorien. Legolas introduced them to his twin brother, Gaygolas, who was sent away from Mirkwood because he was coming on to the other boy elves. 

"and this is Boromir. Boromir, this is Gaygolas, my brother." Legolas was still a little grumpy at Boromir for coming onto him. "You two should get along well."

"Well, hello to you." said Gaygolas. Boromir grinned enthusiastically. And the two walked together behind everyone else.

The next morning, the Fellowship learned that Gaygolas was joining their trip, much to their disgust, not including Boromir, who seemed to have had a fun night. 

The elves of Lothlorien had lent them some boats and given them gifts. They were so happy to see Gaygolas go. Suddenly, they arrived at the shore. Suddenly, a large army of Uruk-hai was after them. 

"How rude." said Boromir, insulted that his quality time with Gaygolas had been interrupted. 

Suddenly, Boromir was lying on the ground, shot, and beside him was Gaygolas. They had both been shot, actually, and they both died in each other's arms. Aragorn mourned Boromir, but Legolas didn't mind much. 

Suddenly, the ring quest was over and they were all back at Lothlorien, which, somehow, was right by the Shire, and nobody had known this. But Frodo and Sam weren't back yet, much to Quilythe's disappointment. 

Legolas had been sitting under a tree, minding his own business, eating mushed carrots, when, out of no where, screamed an Orc. It grabbed onto Legolas's face and started to maul the heck out of him. But before the Orc could kill Legolas, Cyan shot him and he died. 

Gandalf kneeled over Legolas and was healing him when, for no apparent reason, Pippin leapt in between them and was blasted by the beam. He lay on the ground, twitching and moaningand GROWING! Legolas watched, wide-eyed, and Gandalf thought, "This is it! I finally killed one of them!" 

But the beam had a different effect on Pippin. He stood up, and blinked, a once in a lifetime experience. Unaware of the gasps that echoed when he had stood up, he looked blankly at them, just a tad confused. 

"What's wrong?" he said, patting his head. "Is my hair standing up?" His hand passed by his ear, and he seemed to detect something. He rubbed his ear again. "What is that, some sort of ear growing formula?" Merry walked up to him. "AAAAAH! YOU'RE SHORT!" screamed Pippin, leaping back in horror. 

"I'm not short you moron. You're an elf!" Merry said. 

"Oh. I knew that" Pippin said, whistling. He turned to go to his room and shmucked his head on the roof. "OH-NO! MY ROOM HAS SHRUNK TOO!" He hollered. Merry smacked his head. 

"Why am I related to this shmuck?" Merry asked himself. Suddenly, Quilythe walked by. 

"Pippin?!" She said incredulously. "Is that you?"

"Is who me?" said Pippin, looking around nervously, expecting to find himself behind him. Quilythe rolled her eyes. 

"Oh, well. He's kind of cute as an elf." She said, and tugged Pippin off, who was still glancing around crazily. He stumbled and threw his arms around Quilythe, pulling them both to the ground. She rolled her eyes again and said, "Happens every time." She giggled and pulled Pippin off the ground. Of coarse, he managed to screw this up, and they landed again on the ground. Quilythe rolled her eyes yet again and kissed him, deciding not to try to get up again. If they were going to be rolling around on the ground, they might as well be together, right?

At the same moment, a few houses away, Legolas was trying to propose to Cyan. It wasn't working out. An Orc had mistaken the ring as a carrot and had run off with it; Legolas hot at his heels. He returned a little scuffed up, with the chewed on ring.

"What I was going to say was" He held up the ring. "Will you marry me?"

"No." Cyan said straight off.

"WHAT! After all the trouble I went through, almost getting killed by and Orc trying to get this carrot, I mean ring back" He was suddenly grabbed by a laughing Cyan.

"I was just joking." She said. 

"Ha ha." Legolas said. 

Suddenly, Frodo and Sam appeared. Suddenly, they were all together. Suddenly, Frodo and Quilythe were alone in his house.

"I've thought about this my whole journey." Frodo said. "And I was wonderingif you'll marry me?"

"I'm sorry Frodo, but, you see, I just cannot love a man with nine fingers." Quilythe said. "Besides, I'm marrying Pippin, who was turned into an elf. Although, he still doesn't' know that."

"What?" Pippin's head suddenly popped through a window. 

"Never mind." Quilythe said, pushing his head out the window. "I'm sorry, Frodo." She said. 

It's okay," said Frodo. "I've decided to marry Merry."

Suddenly, they were all outside in a giant wedding. Gandalf and Saruman's sister, Sallyman, were getting married. Aragorn and Arwen were marrying. Cyan and Legolas were marrying. Quilythe and Pippin were marrying. Gimli and some girl dwarf were marrying. Frodo and Merry were marrying. Boromir and Gaygolas had been raised from the dead and were marrying. And Bob the Orc-lord and his mother were getting married. Sam was just fine being the flower guy, until an exceptionally sharp thorn on a rose pierced his skin, and he fell to the ground, unconscious and moaning in pain. It was a fun and huge party. Then stuff and things happened. That night was a very busy night in Lothlorien. And then Sallyman and the girl dwarf died. And they lived semi-happily ever after, and had more adventures. And then Gandalf killed Arwen in a fit of rage, because he thought she was a hobbit. Aragorn didn't really mourn. 

The next adventure came to them when an extremely large and obnoxious Orc began to enslave all the others, who had become all nice (suddenly). They had to go to Mordor, and kill him, and free the Orcs! And this is their story.


End file.
